Say what you want about Woody Allen, but he always slows down in school zones.

Currently doing the second hour of Barstool Breakfast on Sirius Channel 85, so going to get one out a little early.  Heavy subject matter this morning, but I don’t care.

I overheard a few younger people in the office* talking about Woody Allen the other day.  I didn’t chime in, because I don’t want to seem like a know-it-all, but I realize that this newest generation probably sees Allen as a quirky old director who might be worth a Netflix night, in the same way I decided to one day watch Citizen Kane.

But here’s the deal… Woody Allen is the fucking worst.  He is a creepy little pervert that does not deserve a career.

There are a number of disturbing stories I can highlight here, but I will stick with the 2 main ones.  Feel free to surf around, and pull back more layers on this mousy douchebag.

First off, in 1992 Allen’s co-adopted daughter, Dylan Farrow, claimed to have been sexually abused by Allen in the attic of their home… She was 7.  It went to court and the judge found that Allen’s behavior toward Dylan had been “grossly inappropriate and measures must be taken to protect her.”

Woody was never convicted of any crime at the time, mainly because the testimony process was too much of a drain on such a young girl.

During the court proceeding, the judge threateningly asked Woody, “How does 10-15 years sound?”  And Woody replied, “Sexy.”

Okay, I made that last sentence up, but take a couple minutes and read the open letter his sexually abused daughter wrote years later on the eve of Woody receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award at The Golden Globes.

“Woody Allen took me by the hand and led me into a dim, closet-like attic on the second floor of our house. He told me to lay on my stomach and play with my brother’s electric train set. Then he sexually assaulted me. He talked to me while he did it, whispering that I was a good girl, that this was our secret, promising that we’d go to Paris and I’d be a star in his movies.”  

That’s his adopted daughter talking.  I was nowhere near that attic, but I will never play with an electric train again.

I don’t want to demean what Dylan went through but the second detail I will hash out is even more creepy.  I almost forgot just how creepy it is.

Almost.

Woody Allen’s ex-wife, Mia Farrow had adopted a young girl from South Korea while she, Mia, was married to musician Andre Previn.  The girl’s name was Soon Yi, and she was the daughter of a prostitute that used to slam her head in a door for discipline.  Her exact age is a mystery, but bone scans place her between 5 and 7 years old at the time of adoption.

A year after the adoption, Farrow and Previn divorced and Mia began her long-term relationship with Woody Allen… This was around 1979… Soon Yi was 9’ish.

Fast forward 10 or 12 years and Mia separates from Woody after finding he took erotic naked pictures of their now 21 year old adoptive daughter.  Woody didn’t deny it, announced he was seeing their adoptive daughter romantically for some time, and he and Soon Yi were eventually married in 1997.

And you know what is really fucked up?  Woody and Soon Yi have 2 adoptive daughters themselves… FRESH MEAT!

If you weren’t around those first few years after Woody and Soon Yi got married, their few public appearances were disturbing.  She had a quiet way about her that led you to believe that he chained her to the radiator at night.  And I think most people expected her to start blinking her eyelids to spell out “HELP ME” in Morse Code.

Eventually, my daughter will get to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex.  At his advanced age, I assume Woody’s daughter/wife often asks him, “Is that the best you can do?”

But he continues to make movies, and as a matter of fact, his 49th film is expected later this year.  “A Rainy Day In New York” starring Jude Law, Ray Donovan, and Selena Gomez… And it’s a young popular star like Gomez that will drive renewed interest in this deviant weirdo.

I just don’t get it.  Harvey Weinstein is about to be prosecuted for using his power as a producer to intimidate women into sexual favors.  Woody did the same thing, except he was using his power as an adoptive father.

It’s commonly accepted that Weinstein should be thrown in prison, so can’t we all agree that Allen should be thrown into a fucking volcano?

Cool fact:  Woody Allen’s only biological child, Ronan Farrow, was the reporter at the forefront of uncovering this whole scandal surrounding Weinstein, which eventually led to the extremely hypocritical #metoo movement**.

I will leave you with this… When his next movie comes out, and life-long Allen fans discuss whether or not they should go, just remind them that you are most likely going to get a cheap bottle of cologne from your daughter this Father’s Day.  Woody Allen is probably getting a blowjob.

Oof.

Fuck Woody Allen.

Take a report.

-Large

*I don’t know why I singled-out “younger people in the office“… Outside of the security guy in the lobby, I have 10-20 years on everyone in this fucking place.

** Hypocritical inasmuch as more than a handful of actors/actresses wearing those pins have been in Woody’s movies, and they all gave a standing ovation to sexual-abusive Kobe Bryant when he won a fucking Oscar.